How to swear properly

To win arguments
Simply remember this simple phrase : “Bollocks more like

By repeating your opponent’s key points, suffixed by “Bollocks more like” you will have an unassailable position in any argument:

“A rational approach to stimulate economic recovery? Bollocks more like.”

“I’m meant to provide for the household instead of spending all the money on gin? Bollocks more like.”

“Blessed are the meek? Bollocks more like.”

(Unless your opponent’s argument is “Bollocks more like”, in which case the phrase “Bollocks more like? Bollocks more like” will merely be a dreamy mantra, which with repetition will lull all participants to sleep.)

To improve rhetoric
No speech or presentation in human history would not be improved by the judicious addition of the phrase “you bunch of twats“. Read these examples and see how fluidly, almost imperceptibly it integrates with the rest of the words, yet always strengthening the power of your message:

“Ask not what your country can do for you, you bunch of twats”

“We will fight them on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, you bunch of twats”

“Je ne regrette rien, you bunch of twats”

“We lower our 3Q and 4Q revenue estimates to $254 million (+19.5% year over year) and $213M (+25.5% year over year), you bunch of twats”

(For advanced users of swearing: “You bunch of utter twats” should only be used in a speech that already uses the phrase “you bunch of twats” – for example, “Look at the reduction in call centre costs in the third quarter, you bunch of twats, you bunch of utter twats”)

Cartoons in the New Yorker
Long running research suggests that the only New Yorker cartoons which are not made funnier by changing the caption to “Go fuck yourself” are cartoons where the caption is already “Go fuck yourself”

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