It’s been a long time since I built the Automatic Comedian, and all he seems to talk about is toilets. Today I was reminded of the lack of innovation that I’ve brought recently to the world of auto-generated comedy, so I think it’s high time to address that and release Automatic Comedian 2.0 into the world.
A.C. Twoey, to give it a nice, comforting name that will sit well with audiences, will operate under several different modes: Unwanted Audience Participation, Anodyne Corporate, Disingenuous Nostalgia, Depressingly Run-Of-The-Mill But Thinks It’s A Shocking Iconoclast, and Bitter & Twisted. Optional extras like the Unprecedented Racist Abuse setting, Hen Night Lechertron and the Hack-o-matic are already congealing within the project plan I refer to as "my brain". Bookers will be able to configure, sorry, request A.C. Twoey puts on the show they want, secure in the knowledge that a warm stream of comedy will be spurting out over their audiences.
If you don’t like [rape joke] [another rape joke] [something racist] [something racist said 'ironically'] [another rape joke] then instead of being told it’s your fault for not finding sexual assault funny, you’ll be able to reload A.C. Twoey with other material, again and again, until finally every four year old at the birthday party you’ve organized will be chortling with glee. (Warning: A.C. Twoey’s learning routines can get confused and it may think you just want more and more ‘shocking’ material, but don’t worry, eventually it will reset to knock knock jokes and poorly executed mime.) And if you’re still not happy, there’s an integrated Twitter app so you can complain directly to the online world about Twoey’s performance.
Finally, what comedian would be complete without a rich streak of bitterness about its colleagues? Don’t worry, as well as being able to mine other comedians’ Twitter feeds in order to steal their material (sorry, "pay homage"), Twoey will be able to generate a constant stream of complaints about how it’s more talented/edgier/more original than anyone else. If I figure out text-to-speech, Twoey can even get drunk and call you at three in the morning to complain about human comedians always getting preference from clearly biased promoters.
Sadly, Twoey will not be able to perform at any open mike nights as the developmental costs are going to be phenomenal, but he’ll be available for anyone willing to provide the appropriate amount of cash. "How much?" I hear you ask. Well, think of an amount that’s too much, then just double it.
2013 is going to be the year of the algorithmic comedian, harnessing Big Data and small observations of life to create the world’s most incredible laughter machine.
What could possibly go wrong?