Hungover on crisps

I got home last night after work feeling exhausted, incapable of thought. My wife made me a sandwich and put a few crisps next to it as a garnish. Unfortunately, she didn’t hide the bag from me, and sooner or later the inevitable happened, and I ate an entire bag of crisps, a bag large enough to supply a family with potatoes. Not crisps, potatoes, as in for a hearty meal or two. This would have … consequences.

I woke this morning feeling deathly. Nauseous, lightheaded, desperate to crawl back to bed and not face the world. Instead of sleeping, I weighed myself, discovered I’d put on a kilo since yesterday, and so panicked and went out for a run.

I managed half a kilometer before my guts rebelled, informing me that they had urgent business back home. I tottered back, shivering, beset by cold flushes as blood diverted to the depths of my bowels. It was a great surprise to me that I made it home unfouled.

Expunging the contents of my guts did not provide solace or relief, just a terrible stench. Languid and unhappy, I dressed myself and went to my weekly Spanish lesson, uncured by either water or coffee.

At the lesson, we had a karaoke session where we sang Spanish pop. There is an ignoble tradition of British holidaymakers bringing novelty Spanish music back to the UK, like an STD, and then infesting the pop charts. Hence La Macarena, and a hundred other horrors. But we didn’t sing these, we had middle-of-the-road pop pablum, when I needed the Gypsy Kings’ cover of Hotel California.

No matter. I returned home, still feeling unwell, and did nothing useful while my wife baked a cake. I didn’t really feel better until this evening, when between four of us we finished off the bottle of Oola. I had been ruined by too many crisps. Thus, something else I should swear off for the rest of the year. I’d like to say I could eat crisps in moderation, but that clearly isn’t going to happen, so a stern limit on fried, dried convenience food is going to be the only way to protect myself from this.

2 responses to “Hungover on crisps”

  1. You’re probably more OK than you think – bags of crisps are more air than crisps these days. Unless there are regulations against that sort of thing in Singapore.

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