Prince of Wails Check

Today La Serpiente demanded pancakes again for breakfast, or rather, she wanted a vat of maple syrup to drink with a side of bread products. We were wise to this and gave her a peanut butter sandwich instead, which she only ate a quarter or, and then I took her and Destroyer to the shops (a) because I need new shorts and (b) to get them out of my wife’s hair for a few hours.
I’d been instructed that if they were good, I could buy them some Lego for a treat. First, we went to Mothercare to replace the bottle that Destroyer has, well, destroyed. Along the way we had to pick up some hairbands with enormous blue bows because, well, just because. I was scheduled to meet a friend at Starbucks so we went over there next, and he was ten minutes late, and then twenty minutes late, and then thirty minutes late, and… well, once this pattern was properly established and I’d exhausted the supplies of babycinnos, potato crisps and chocolate chip cookies, and La Serpiente was turning her nose up at the various healthy granola bars my wife had packed for her… well, once we were in that end state I took them to a nearby shoe shop, because La Serpiente destroys shoes.

She found a pair she loved, with a flower-and-watermelon motif, but which were half a size too small for her (and the largest size in stock). So I made her take them off again, and within moments she was a wailing fountain of tears, desperate to go home and see her mother. This cacophony set off Destroyer, who up to this point had been observing circumstances with the calm eye of a murderous reptile, but now howled in unison with her sister.

It was about then my friend finally turned up, except I’d left the shoe shop and gone away from it and he’d gone to the shoe shop, so I had to take both banshees back there, provoking them to greater heights of complaint.

We went downstairs and I couldn’t find any suitable shorts, perhaps because I was distracted by the terrible whining noise. Did I mention I was hungover? Having to carry a child on your shoulders (15kg) and another child on your back (20kg) while the second child is complaining she can’t see because the skirt of the Christmas tree angel costume that the 15kg one is wearing is stuck over the head of the 20kg one… A joy for all to behold, basically. Into M&S to bribe them with cheesy poofs, then home.

After that unsuccessful shopping trip, I was left at home with both girls and I tried to get them to watch TV while I fell asleep on the sofa, but I kept waking up and feeling guilty at my parental neglect, then realising I didn’t have the willpower to stop them watching Tangled, a Disney reworking of the Rapunzel story.

Now, people will complain that Disney sanitised the original Grimm fairy tales, but this one starts with a baby being abducted by a witch, continues with constant violence (saucepans to the back of heads, threats of stabbing, etc) and death by falling, beating, etc. La Serpiente was a quaking mess, Destroyer not much better, and of course they failed to eat their lunch either so by four pm they were both hungry and screaming again, a constant howl from each of them of rage, hunger and disappointment.

So I guess I set them up well for the flights tomorrow then.

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