I had a long and gloomy and somewhat productive conversation with my wife tonight, about where my life is going and what I’m doing with it and what it is I want to be doing. Although the problem seems to be that I don’t know what I want to be doing, or I haven’t been good enough at giving myself the space and structure to figure that out.
I know I want to go running more, because I might feel awful and odious while I’m doing it, but I come back stronger. Being ill sucks. Working early and working late and working in between sucks too, when you rob yourself of willpower and end up defensive and grumpy and incapable of good decisions. So I should go running more.
I should delegate. But that’s another fine mess I’m in. If I had more headspace I’d be better able to explain to people what to do for me, but right now I really struggle to set other people up for success, and feel guilt if I put them in something they’re not ready for. And then feel guilt that I’m doing it all and doing it badly, when … well, when it is my fault for not being stronger.
Should I be blaming myself for making myself into a victim? Who else should take that responsibility?
But enough of this. I’ll sleep tonight and wake tomorrow, rested, and we’ll see what the new day brings…
One response to “What do you want?”
Oooh one of my office left in November and I’ve been doing his job ever since because I’d rather do it myself than a) explain to someone else what to do b) watch them do it badly. I find both of those things painful.