Butter and beards


A few years ago, I drank so much one night that I didn’t realize I was still drunk the next morning until I sobered up at noon. Similarly, I was so tired after Bangkok that I didn’t remember until today how dumb I was. Sleep deprivation is truly wonderful.

Yesterday, my wife asked me to melt some butter in the microwave. If you’re asked to do this, you should cover the butter with something. You should not leave it on full power for two minutes in an open bowl. You should not go into another room and idly listen to strange popping noises, before returning to find the microwave’s interior has been redecorated in a special shade of yellow.

Not only had I melted an entire block of butter, I’d evenly distributed it across the entire internal surface of the microwave. The only place there wasn’t melted butter was the one place I’d wanted it. Does that count as irony?

Today, therefore, a day where I was sleepy and fuzzy headed, was still a better day than one where I was wasting dairy resources through inattention. For lunch my wife gave me a container of frozen pumpkin soup, instructing me to heat it up at the office. I assumed this was a barbed comment ridiculing me for yesterday’s microwave misadventure. The soup sat on my desk, slowly sweating, while I watched it with suspicion and disdain.

Finally, when my hunger was great enough to defeat my paranoia, I took the soup upstairs, but in an aggravating reversal, I couldn’t heat it up properly. The soup rotated for an eternity in the office microwave, refusing to grow warm, until I took a spoon and broke the ice. Even then, when the soup was palatably hot, it ended up mostly stuck in my moustache rather than down my gullet.

Luxuriant though my facial hair may be, I fear my beard may give me malnutrition.


2 responses to “Butter and beards”

  1. Soup is deceptively difficult to heat in the microwave. I have taken it out steaming hot and run back from staff room to office in fear of losing the skin off my hands, only to open up and find the inside is still a cold sludge.

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