Ante-natal #1

This evening my wife and I went to our first ante-natal class, above a shopping mall near Orchard Road. I was failing to thrive on three hours’ sleep, so the Miracle of Childbirth seemed even more impractical than I’d previously suspected. Are you really meant to fit babies through such inconvenient passages?

It’s strange that, just like with my first aid class earlier this year, the portrayal on television and what happens in reality are so different to one another. Or it’s strange that I didn’t realise there would be a difference. As far as I knew, the waters broke, a man would shout for plenty of hot water and bang: there’s your baby. None of this nonsense about hour after hour of contractions and whatnot. Apparently, it’s not even comfortable for the mother to lie down. Are they suggesting Hollywood lies?

That was before we began to discuss things like pre-eclampsia, dilatation and contaminated water. My stomach hadn’t turned completely but I was considering Hypno-Birthing. If the hypnotist would wipe all memory from the start of the traumatic experience to the very end, that is.

One thing they stressed is how important it is that I help my wife relax. Unfortunately, I’m not very good at relaxing, let alone calming somebody else down. Hopefully on the big day I remember to provide back rubs and soothing words, not get up in my wife’s face, shouting “you chose this! You chose this! Now deal with it!”

Then again, you should never underestimate the power of negative psychology.

The two hours fled in a trice. All that time, lounging on a soft cushion, hearing intimations of blood-soaked placentas. Still, there was a supply of complimentary ginger nuts, so I didn’t feel I was suffering too too much.

And now to bed. Inexplicably, I had about three hours sleep last night, a fact that has left me with little working brain and a tendency to repeat myself.

Did I mention I only had three hours’ sleep last night? I did run 5k (and then had to have two showers) this morning though – this is the start of losing the 7 pounds I gained from a week in London.

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