Dazed and confused


As part of our hypnobirthing preparations, we’ve been listening to a recording of music and positive affirmations designed to calm and relax. My wife is out like a light by the end, but twice now I’ve been unable to sleep for a,good two hours after the soporific sounds and voice have ceased. I’m sure that’s not the way it’s designed, although perhaps my subconscious is getting freaked out when it gets to the point where they mention how my birthing organs are ready to let the baby move out into the world. It doesn’t do to discover you have a uterus at my age, frankly.

Anyway, my wife was blissfully slumbering and snoring, and I couldn’t get a wink of sleep, so after an hour of insomnia i tried to get her to roll on her side, at which point she delivered an elbow to my face that would do an MMA fighter proud, which I took as a sign to retreat to the sofa for a few hours.

On the positive side, I read another Dortmunder novel, but I woke up feeling shattered, mysteriously in bed while my wife was zonked out on the sofa. Some kind of strange somnambulism brought on by the upgraded air quality, perhaps.

This morning, we went to see World War Z, which was equally scary and funny. Among the cast was Peter Capaldi, The Angry Scary One from In The Loop, which made me wonder if Stewart Lee would make an appearance as a zombie stand-up; if so, he didn’t make the cut. I’d read a few negative reviews, but I was pleased with the whole thing, especially the way most of the action scenes had very quiet soundtracks, rather than the usual sledgehammering that is deemed appropriate.

And I think a plane crashed into a mountain in the Brecon Beacons that I walked over in 2010, which is always nice.

The trouble with going to the cinema in the morning is it feels a little strange to reappear into the light, when surely it should be dark, so we tried to readjust by going shopping. We’re now the proud owners of an oven, and more tupperware, and some baby bibs. Clearly nothing drives a couple to domesticity like a good old zombie film.

So that was quite a productive day. I thought i should get some physical exercise, so I fired up the Kinect and did half an hour of fitness, which beat me up pretty hard. The workout required dumbbells, and I’ve been using the piggy bank we’ve been putting all our change in. That was fine five months ago, but the dratted thing now weighs 8 pounds, so my arms are like boiled spaghetti and all I can do is lie on the sofa and whimper. Which is, I suppose, a reasonable end to the day, given where it started. At least i haven’t taken any more hits to the face.


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